TALLAHASSEE, FL—Gov Ron DeSantis reportedly commanded his security detail to “Execute Order 66” while wearing a stylish black cloak Thursday morning. The order authorized the immediate mobilization of Clone Troopers to hunt down and execute all Disney mascots within state borders.
According to sources, a legion of Clone Troopers immediately descended on the Magic Kingdom, Disney Studios, and the Animal Kingdom. Surviving characters fled to Epcot to seek asylum in fake France but were lured out when the troopers feigned retreat and baited them with children.
Mickey Mouse was taken out with blaster fire while attempting to hug a defenseless child. The children were reportedly horrified to discover none of the characters were real and they had been secretly hugging pedophiles the whole time.
“No quarter shall be given,” said Gov DeSantis, his voice suddenly deeper and more dramatic.
Though his statements violate the Geneva Conventions, public approval for the governor has never been higher, recent polling data shows. Citizens of Florida cheered as Disney mascots were gunned down all throughout the different theme parks.
Witnesses confirm that mascots were slaughtered across Disney’s four parks and hotel resorts. Mickey, Donald, and Goofy reportedly fled Disney’s Beach Club Resort and became trapped in the wilderness where Goofy was eventually eaten by an alligator.
Some of the more moderate members of the Florida legislature have questioned whether DeSantis has become power-hungry in his attempts to murder every Disney mascot but did admit Florida was now a safer place to raise a family.
At publishing time, DeSantis announced the construction of a new superweapon to wipe out Cinderella’s Castle with energized kyber crystals.
LOS ANGELES, CA—There aren’t a ton of great teachers left in California, but there are definitely a few. Mr. Hammond of Carter Rock Elementary School in the suburbs of Los Angeles hated seeing his kids masked up every day, so he came up with a genius plan: he rented out a decommissioned Boeing 737 and held class in there. Now, due to the inexplicable magical properties of SCIENCE, his students don’t have to wear masks anymore.
“I’m no hero,” the teacher told reporters. “I’m just doing what I would want any good teacher to do for me.”
According to analysts, it’s a foolproof plan.
“Yep, there’s nothing we can really do about this,” said his district’s superintendent. “He’s following the ever-changing science here, and for now, it’s airtight. COVID no longer spreads in airplanes. Unless you’re flying internationally. I think? I don’t know. It’s hard to keep track.”
The students are enjoying the time learning in the tiny seats and many say the pretzels are “quite good and way better than our usual public school food.”
At publishing time, authorities had confirmed that should the Biden administration win its appeal, the science will no longer allow for this loophole, and the students will be forced to be masked once again.
Guns are on their way out. And thank goodness! We can’t wait to return to the utopian paradise we lost when guns were invented by Bob Gun back in 1804.
Still, once in a great while, you might need to defend yourself against a ne’er-do-well. When those ruffians come kicking your door down, you need to be ready. Here are seven great ways to defend your home against an armed burglar when your guns have all been confiscated:
1. Call your local social worker – Get on the phone and call up a state therapist to help you two work out your differences. They’ll be there in 30 minutes or less!
2. Have your kids leave all their LEGOs out – A surefire defense strategy, though sometimes it backfires and you accidentally step on them yourself and PICK UP YOUR GOSH DARN TOYS, CALVIN!
3. Make sure to hang a gun-free zone sign in your window – It’s a little-known fact that burglars must stop and not shoot you if you inform them your home is a gun-free zone.
4. Turn the thermostat up to 80 so it will be uncomfortably hot for burglars – After a few hours looting your stuff they will need to take a break and go outside to cool down and you can lock them out.
5. Bust out the Nerf guns – One of those crazy cool ones with the drum magazines your rich friends had growing up will surely intimidate the intruder.
6. Rig up a complex Rube Goldberg booby trap that incapacitates the criminals in hilarious ways – Hear us out on this one: they step on a panel that activates a wire that pulls down a bucket of water that goes down a funnel and pushes a bowling ball which swings down and hits them on the head causing permanent brain damage. Funny AND effective!
7. Ask them to hug it out – When all else fails just be the bigger man and ask the criminal to hug it out with you. Bring it in, man.
CNN+ will be shutting down on April 30, just a month after its rocky start. Truly, its candle burned out long before its legend ever will.
Take a gander at these eighteen things that lasted longer than CNN+:
1) A gallon of milk
2) Kamala Harris’s presidential campaign
3) Two weeks to stop the spread
6) Brief, transitory inflation
7) Seattle’s CHAZ
8) The ending of Return of the King
9) Your wife’s multi-level marketing business
10) Colin Kaepernick’s enslavement in the NFL
11) Your New Year’s resolution to get in shape
12) Your New Year’s resolution to read your Bible
13) Free AOL trial CD with 1000 hours of internet
14) The COVID vaccine’s effectiveness
17) James Cameron’s Avatar’s cultural impact
18) The Babylon Bee’s Twitter suspension
Wow! It seems like just yesterday CNN Plus was born, and now she’s already gone. Like a leaf on the wind.
McCarthy’s Lie Puts G.O.P. Hypocrisy on Trump. How can ANYONE believe McCarthy ever again? And Republicans after these lies still want him as Speaker Of The House?…………PapaMike
WASHINGTON — Representative Kevin McCarthy’s denial of disparaging comments he made about President Donald J. Trump after the Capitol attack on Jan. 6, 2021, exposed a widely known but seldom seen phenomenon in Washington: the hypocrisy of Republicans who have privately scorned Mr. Trump while publicly defending him.
Mr. McCarthy, the California Republican who is campaigning to be speaker of the House if his party wins the majority in November, had dismissed as “totally false and wrong” a report that he had told fellow G.O.P. leaders he would urge Mr. Trump to resign from office after the riot. But an audio recording of the conversation revealed Mr. McCarthy’s denial to be a lie.
For Mr. McCarthy, the immediate political problem was not being caught in a lie. In the Republican Party, which has coalesced around Mr. Trump’s claim that the 2020 election was stolen from him, falsehoods have become routine and even accepted.
The greater danger for Mr. McCarthy on Friday was the truth — that, with the disclosure of his negative comments about Mr. Trump, he might invite the ire of the former president, who maintains a stranglehold on his party and on a powerful faction of extremist House members who already pose the greatest risk to his political future.
For a Republican leader who has prostrated himself before Mr. Trump in ways large and small — including famously sorting through a package of Starburst candies to present him with only his favorite red and pink chews — the lie was his latest show of loyalty.
Some of Mr. Trump’s fiercest defenders on Capitol Hill have long criticized the former president and his family members behind closed doors, venting about his erratic policy decisions and tweets while expressing their total fealty in public. The release of the audio of Mr. McCarthy’s comments was a rare moment where the duplicity was on public display.
Mr. McCarthy spent Friday morning working the phones, calling members of his conference to gauge their level of concern about the recording. A source familiar with the conversations said his team had also been asking rank-and-file members to post tweets supporting Mr. McCarthy for speaker.
DONALD Trump stormed out of a world exclusive interview with Piers Morgan in a blazing row over the ‘stolen’ US presidential election.
Trump screamed that his interviewer was ‘dishonest’, ‘a FOOL’ and barked at the shocked TV crew: ‘TURN THE CAMERAS OFF!’
He also dubbed Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell ‘stupid’, and his former vice-president Mike Pence ‘foolish and weak.’
The 75-minute interview will be screened on the launch show of Piers Uncensored on TalkTV on Monday at 8pm.
Trump and Piers have been friends for 15 years – but he was enraged by a series of critical comments the TV star has made about his conduct in office.
They clashed before the interview began, and again on camera.
Writing in The Sun today, Piers tells how the President stared at him with ‘undisguised fury’ and was ‘almost foaming at the mouth’.
At one stage, the President snarled at him: ‘What the f**k IS this?’
Trump said to Piers: ‘You’re not real. You’re a fake.’ To which Piers replied: ‘No, I’m just brutally honest.’
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Several members of Donald Trump‘s inner circle are facing contempt claims for refusing to cooperate or comply with subpoenas from the House committee investigating the January 6, 2021, attack of the U.S. Capitol building.
A day earlier, Peter Navarro and Dan Scavino became the latest among Trump’s former aides to come under fire for refusing to testify before the January 6 committee.
A conviction for contempt of Congress carries a maximum fine of $100,000, and 12 months’
Below, a round up of every member of the former president’s inner circle facing allegations of contempt of Congress.
Navarro, former White House trade adviser under the Trump administration, was held in contempt of Congress after the House voted 220-203 in a near party-line vote to refer charges against him to the Department of Justice for potential prosecution.
Navarro previously told Newsweek that he would prove that Trump “is innocent” in the January 6 Capitol riot if he were to be criminally referred by the House Select Committee over his “Green Bay Sweep” strategy.
Newsweek has contacted Navarro for additional comment.