The Debate

Ron writes about tonight’s Debate of the Century.

Ladeeeez and Gennulmen . . . welcome to Rigged Arena, site of the first in a series of three matches designed to determine the National Championship of Unbelievable Balderdash. I’m your talking head, Wolf Mathews Cuomo, a typical Clinton News Network tool, who will do the fact checking and analysis for you when we finish so that you don’t have to do any thinking for yourself.

Tonite’s bout is scheduled for 10 rounds of Wrangling, Bickering, and One-Upmanship featuring Hellary, It’s My Turn Dammit And I Have A Vagina, Clinton versus Donald, I Can’t Believe He Just Said That, Trump.

Your referee for this evening will be Lester, Gee It’s About Time We Had A Lady President, Holt. Each round will begin with a meaningless question which will be completely ignored as Clinton and Trump hurl insults, accusations, scorn, contempt, blame, and ridicule at each other.

Your announcer will be John Madden, the well-known NFL coach and sports commentator who knows absolutely nothing about politics and government but really enjoys watching people verbally abuse each other.

The contestants are set and the referee is about to give instructions. Let’s listen:

Holt: O.K. You both know the rules. Families are off limits. No references to fact checking, vote fraud, campaign finances, or global warming. The American people deserve a good match here tonight, so let’s give them one. Once I ask a question, you will then respond to each other’s answers until such time as I think Mrs. Clinton is becoming tired or needs to confer with her staff. At that point I will end all discussion by disabling your microphones until she’s ready for the next question. Ready? O.K. Here’s your first question:

Round 1

What is the difference between a duck?

Madden: O.K. They’re off. Clinton in the $35,000 Armani tent and Trump with a shiny dark blue tie. Not much happening. Pretty ho-hum stuff. Looks to me like they’re trying to make nice with each other. Oh, there we go . . . Clinton lands a light denunciation of Trump’s foreign policy understanding. Trump misses with a wild “Oh, Yeah??!!” and mumbles something about Bosnia. Pretty boring, folks, but it’s just the first round. Maybe these two should get a room. Look like a couple of eggheads deciding on dessert. And there’s the bell.

Round 2

Holt: Now for your second question: Which is higher, a debt?

Clinton scores with a set of mismanagement figures from the Bush Administration and Trump counters with a series of cost analyses on Food Stamps, Welfare, and subsidized housing by the Obama regime. It’s starting to get heated up in there, folks. Oh, there’s a nice backstab from Clinton with a followup derision, but Trump comes back with a scandal and some heavy contempt. This is good. Just what we came to see. Now Trump throws a private server and several deletions, but Clinton shrugs them off with divorces and digs in with a major bankruptcy. I guess I misjudged these two, ladies and gentlemen. They actually seem to have come here to get it on with each other. Oh, great denunciation by Trump, hurling calumny followed by scandal and a heavy reference to dead body counts. That knocked some of the wind out of Clinton and she’s leaning heavily on her lectern. She comes back with gender- and ethnic-based taunts, but I think those shots about corpses in her wake have left her a bit shaken. Yeah, that must be the case, ‘cause Holt is sounding the bell to end the round.

THE REST OF THIS GREAT10 Round Fight ON THE NEXT PAGE

Round 3

Holt: Which bird will fly away first?

Oh, man, they must have slipped something in Clinton’s water during the break ‘cause she came out swingin. Caught Trump with a full “McCain’s a war hero” jab and a snide remark about his complete ignorance of diplomatic protocols. And now she’s pivoting! She’s abandoning the Obama mantra and coming on with her shrill complaints about the glass ceiling. Oh, that one hurt him . . . she said, “It’s about time we had a female president. After all we’ve been voting for boobs for a long time.” Caught him flatfooted, but he came back with a pile of baggage all the way from her Arkansas days and slapped her with her being fired from her first job as a lawyer while working on the Watergate probe. She looks like she just got hit with a subpoena. And now she’s starting to cough. And there’s the bell.

Round 4

Holt: If a train leaves Chicago with constant acceleration for 30 minutes and gets to Denver 2 hours ahead of schedule, do merzi doats and dozi doats and little lambsy divey?

Here we go. Hey, nice put-down there, Trump. Clinton hammers him with an indecent behavior toward women cheap shot and asks him exactly how he will get Mexico to pay for his wall. He steps back, gets his breath, and hits her with a heavy Lewinsky. Holt steps in and cautions Trump about that remark, then signals to the judges to take a point away. Trump reminds Holt that he could buy him and sell him and if he wants to keep working in entertainment, he’d better learn to watch what he says. And there’s Clinton on the attack again. She flashes a picture of Melania in a bikini, but Holt doesn’t see it. Trump looks at the audience for a moment and heaves a classic rudeness at her groin. It catches her right in the Libya [sorry, couldn’t resist] and she stumbles.

She’s hurt, ladies and gentlemen. He tosses another private server at her and catches her with a dirty Benghazi but gets no caution from the referee. She tries to regain her balance with a strong indignity about his remarks concerning Muslims, but he catches it with his We Need Law And Order In This Country and then goes straight for the Foundation. And she’s down. Clinton is down, ladies and gentlemen. She’s coughing and hacking, and her aides are helping her off the stage. And she’s lost her shoe! Some dark-skinned bony broad picked it up and they’ve got her backstage. It’s all over. Trump scores an early knockout here in the first match.

And now let’s turn it over to the people who know more about this stuff so you can understand what you just witnessed. Oh, the producer is telling me to say “Here’s Alysin Maddow Cooper to explain why this match won’t count because Clinton had a coughing attack.” Good night, ladies and gentlemen. I’ll see you at the next match . . . if there is one.

Now that’s some funny stuff there, I don’t care who you are. Ron has outdid himself.

 

SOURCE: Grouchy Old Cripple