~ When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
~ To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it!
~ When I say, “The other day” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
~ Interviewer: “So, tell me about yourself.” Me: “I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.”
~ Cop: “Please step out of the car.” Me: I’m too drunk. You get in.”
~ I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
~ I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
~ Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
~ If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”
~ When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “Nothing” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
~ Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight.
~ I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
~ I run like the winded.
~ I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.
~ I don’t remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.
~ When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
~ I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
~ When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like, east.
~ It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.
~ Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
~ The older I get, the earlier it gets late.